oh gosh i am so burnt from filming the narrative video... 5 long hours in the hot scorching sun and i didnt sit down for more than 5 minutes at one time, who asked me to be director slash camerawoman sia... not that i minded in fact i had some fun but mainly i did it for the experience, and coz i would look stupid in front of the camera instead of behind it... then i was carrying a total of 15kg worth of stuff, 3kg give or take was the laptop on my back, 5kg or so was the huge camera bag on my left shoulder, and the rest was the silver casket in which the monitor and cables sat comfortably while we struggled up and down stairs and stuff with it... two people had to split the weight of that one. its so sian diao. haha. well hope the finished product is a really good one. GOOD JOB TO ALL MY DARLING PEOPLES, THE WONDERFUL YOUNG AND VIBRANT DDPFM [DORCAS DAWN PENNY FARHANA MELVIN] WE TOTALLY ROOOLZ! whatever i am being so lame.
yeah but then today its like... felt kinda sad coz... well, this guy erm.. i need to give him a name sia so he cant be recognized... like... ok shall call him ZZ, so ZZ and i met each other but today he didnt even say a thing to me... he just walked past without a hi or bye, and after that i didnt see him anymore for the day, and i wont see him tmr or thursday, friday neither! shit! so in a week i only see him 2 days. who knows how much time he spends with those girls, esp the poseurs with the bloody caps and the mini skirts. why the hell does he have to be close to them, of all people. sigh. my impression of him has become from great to good, and is slowly going down the scale... sometimes this impression changes but for as long as he doesnt meet the standard, it is going down.
oh well. not gonna see much of t105 for the rest of this week... eh no tmr and friday i will see them, yeah. ok. friday i shall wear something nice. just to pamper myself. humph. after the unglam and draining day today.
ZZ's bdae is coming soon. i wanna buy him sth but its gonna be hard man. for one thing i dunno what he likes at all. or what he doesnt like. i dunno his size so i cant really buy him clothes. never seen him wear a shirt, but he looks fine in everything he wears. in fact he'd look funny in a shirt. lol. too bad for me liking guys who wear shirts. then what could i buy him. so limited. hmm. he wants to take me clubbing next year on my birthday hahahaha, um.. no thanks, i dont like booze and smoke. just doesnt work for me. the dancing does tho :) he said if i dont like we could go for movie or dinner "unless you have plans already or get a bf by then" hahaha. how cute. ZZ you be my bf lah. then everyday i'll stick to you like glue. lol. yeah maybe i'll hold him to the clubbing thing. i am SO not interested in smoke and drink. to say this in french, je n'aime pas les cigarettes lol. did i get that right, i cant recall now.
crap i have to do my specom hmk, if not i'll be late in handing up. im so tired how to do now!! argh no choice. tmr got tennis sia wah laus gonna get MORe burnt, no wait i cant get more burnt already anyway. argh tmr got sab presentation sian diaoz!! better score high marks!! kk, rushing off to do specom ciao!!! au revoir! salut!

as title suggests... wondering why im here once again since im not recollecting anything today.. at least as of now i am not.
sianz. im tired. but dont really wanna spend the time sleeping. been thinking about someone a bit, since yesterday till today. wonder if i really like him or is it because i just wanna like someone so i think i like him. which i think is not really the case.
whatever it is, shant think too much about it now. met dellia today, cant recall the last time i saw her, or i saw her on the first day of school but the last time i spoke to her was probably... sometime at the beginning of this year. yeah. who's going for the founder's day dinner? if nobody's going i dont wanna go also. its a wednesday and i have sports and wellness till 5 plus... how am i to rush there. hmmm see lor maybe i just wont go. after all i dont miss our class that much. i sure would like to, but there's no one to miss anyway. and no one will miss me too. fair. then ive been like wasting so much money already, going will only throw another $60 away, and in the end its not like i'll have a great time, i think i'll just sit there smile occasionally and leave early.
anyway, sigh we have another locvdp project. quite sianzified, coz have to stay back and waste time on it, when i could be using the time to sleep or copy notes (most prob sleep coz mondays i sleep in the morning and wake up in the morning... geddit right) yeah but well. mass comm expected lah, little sleep.
just now i went to jp and then passed by the cd shop and came out with f.i.r cd... their songs are nice tho the girl faye, she likes to kinda shout the high notes, but they dont sound bad so its alright. i like most of their songs, esp the first 8. they're the nicer ones.
hmmm. think i'll go and eat an ice cream or eat this packet of 3 oreos sitting here looking at me. im not hungry, i had lunch at 4pm. but well.
sigh im not looking forward to this weekend at all. tmr i have choir and we have to memorize the song because sunday is xian chang, but i havent even had time to look at the score, and this song is more complicated than the prev one which i screwed up, so i wont let history repeat itself. then somemore sunday i have to lead my first kids worship, and then tiffany's not coming and she's supposed to do it with me, now i either have to do alone, which i cant since i dont know how to do it at all and the sequence of things, or i have to ask someone else, like beat or florence or yixin or tianyu, who will all surely have some reason they cant do with me. so how? and tmr after choir have to plan this kids worship. tmr im trying to go and see my grandma, havent been over there since school started im sure she misses me and is lonely... i have to go in the morning then rush back for choir but then i have to deal with my mom being pissed or giving attitude that im going over and stuff. haiz. my life is so tiring. then sunday is the xian chang. maaaaaaan. then have to rush all hmk and notes and stuff. sickening boh!
wah then tuesday have to lug laptop everywhere coz suja thomas wants us to bring it for lecture... man, its like... carrying that thing during peak hour in the morning is already not safe, then carrying it around when we're filming our locvdp project... shit sia i forgot all abt the laptop till now i remember... shit. haiz.
yeah then....
i dunno. shall give a shout out to all my classmates, lemme name all of them tho none of them know abt my blog coz i didnt tell them coz there's no point coz i dont write in it... hmm derek harie jonathan melvin terence jianqi penny mabel dawn joanna shalini sylvia wendy cynthia xiao han farhana ya-wen amanda, to people i havent really been in contact with like dellia daniel guohao elena tiffany amanda terence JX gabriel ben, to those members of lakota that i miss like minwen jasmine aka tan lei zhiyi kim koon mehmeh junwei, to other misc people that i know from some way or another haha, my dear fiz hahahaha ok dont let him see this and reza and desmond whom i dont know well at all.
yah ok shant say more. tired. peace yo and dorcas out.

as title suggests.... dunno why im back here after abandoning my blog for so long... pretty sure no one checks regularly anymore after i told everyone i dont blog anymore... not that i read blogs anymore either, sorry there's just no time for these things nowadays... no time to even go online for anything much other than to download and print necessary piles of notes..
i dont know why, i think it was because i was feeling as if i have a crush on this guy right now, then i suddenly thought of the very shortlived so-called bgr we had (provided you even know who 'we' are and what it really was)
yeah so anyway i was just thinking about the time that has gone so long now, im sad that it didnt work out, maybe he'll never know, but i really wish things had been different, though i sure as hell cant tell how long it would have lasted if it had worked out at all, knowing the both of us, i am too used to being free and single, and he... i shall keep that to myself, but still i wished it had been something more than what it was... once in a blue moon when im feeling nostalgic, i sit on the floor and take out the old stuff that i keep, one of which is his letter and i read those big red words and i feel so sadly happy, and if it gets bad i could cry. part of me can imagine how sweet it would have been if we had both known and were willing to just make it work... there are some things that just cant be bought or replaced by anything else and one of those things is the first relationship and everything. i find it too weird to refer to him as my ex or anything, and i dont say we ever went stead, because it just doesnt count. today u accept him, today he as your official boyfriend, goes into hiding and u dont see him for the next few days and by the time u next see him and speak to him other than a hi, you guys have decided being friends is so much easier and you just wanna remain there. do you count that as your first bgr? haha i think its quite funny, as in cute... but on a more serious note, i wish i hadnt been this way
well now i can see there's no chance of us getting back together, we are only drifting further with every day that passes... i mean i know him lah, maybe even better than he knows himself. i can see when he's going to leave again, after so many years i can already spot every sign there is to tell me when he's going to go, when the new friends and everything sinks in and the novelty of it all is there and he just goes into it and in the process usually leaves behind many things which he doesn't know about and leaves behind people whom he hurt but he doesn't know... last time i actually bothered to try and make these points known to him but we only ended up in a cold war... nowadays its just taken for granted that neither of us mention things like that, we dont talk about it anymore, maybe i've just come to accept that it's gonna be this way and i cant do anything, the change has to be made by him, so yeah.
yeah but anyway i was just surprised at myself, why i suddenly thought about that incident again... i wonder if he ever thinks about it... do you? i guess i remember it because it meant something to me, it was significant in the sense that i remember it because maybe i was disappointed by it or something. and sometimes i also wish it would come up and we could really talk about it. it feels unresolved, or at least, i dont know what he's thinking. about us, i mean. i mean, you know what i mean right, like think about it and wonder if there's ever gonna be a second time and things like that... makes me wonder, i dunno about it. maybe he doesnt remember much of it, or it just doesnt mean anything right now, because i remember he said he only said what he did because he wanted to make me happy and make my birthday special. so yeah, maybe it was just all in the name of... festivity. sometimes i would just like to hear it from him, i wish we didnt have so many barriers. we have a lot, do you know? yes you. yeah we do. there are many things we dont talk about and we're supposed to be good friends. you wld say more to ur normal friends than to me, and i think vice versa. i have this feeling that its because we dont know what we mean, who we are, to each other, and therefore we dont say some things coz its just not done when you're not sure of ur partner. i donno. what do you think? i really would like to know what u think, about everything. you've never told me what you thought about us and stuff. i've been telling you for years that you're important to me and that's why i get pissed when i feel like you're going away again, you understand the arrangement there right?
k anyway this is getting tiring as im sitting in a terrible position typing, my shoulders are totally giving way so i gotta end. and go and sleep. ciao.

dorcas
130704
0008hrs

the fateful day draws nearer with every tick of the clock's second hand....
i'll be entering poly in a day's time.
just one day. one day to a brand new chapter of life.
in which i have to grow up extra fast and take care of myself.
wonder how i could have felt secondary school life was tough.
so many things have happened, i mean more so emotionally. ive felt quite a lot and thought quite a lot and cried quite a lot too.
maybe my life isnt as interesting as other people's, who have new people coming into their lives like everyday and all that... but i feel something different everyday and that can make life different too.
for better or for worse, that i cant really judge. sometimes it for better, mostly its for worse.
just a quick hi to people i remember... even though they may not read this blog or know about it.. erm... amanda tiffany terence daniel gabriel su yi......
to relatively new people whom i've met and am quite alright with... yi le beat everyone in shu qi plus people from np like jun wei my dear jun wei and simon jun wen wei hui lyn lijuan minwen jasmine zhiyi wahman kim koon lysia ervina and most other lakota people except one or two and also to my class whom i dont yet know that well but find still alright like harry derrick jonathan ya-wen joanna penny sylvia xiao han and those ive missed out from t105...
well these people i mainly know by name only so maybe they're not as they seem yah?
well i'll just go and sleep then. tomorrow or rather today is sunday. last day of freedom before plunging into non-stop working for 3 years.
please God, be with me.
peace and out.
dorcas

must be fast. damn tired. tmr church, need to sleep.
yi le wore my quiksilver shirt today. looks good on him. am happy. he said thanks and he likes it. gave him a massage and he gave me one. i was sweaty and unglam, but heck. was fun. had dinner with him and the girls.
know a few more of the older peeps now (well not really, just know 'em mutually), after our combined thingy tonight. had a fun time, at least wasnt embarrassing or something. played games, VERY sweaty but cant bath till tmr morning as its too late already. sigh.
came home actually quite alright, then got into an argument with mother, father also yelled at me for shouting. what a bullshit argument, its not my fault that i didnt see my mother waiting at the bus stop for me. she was at a different bus stop, how was i supposed to have seen her unless i walked over to look, and why wld i walk over to that bus stop for no reason since i didnt know she was coming down to wait for me. and what the heck, church ended an hour later than given time, i reached home slightly before 1130pm and that was already the best i could do, father still say like its my fault that i purposely stayed out late or something. kao. there are gonna be many more times in the future i will be coming home late and then whats he going to do, cage me up? sometimes i cant help being late, like church things and school (poly) things right.
tomorrow am going to go with tiffany and yixin to the children's worship, watch them lead, will join them in the future. my next step to serving in church. am hopeful it will work out, maybe also change my perspective on kids whom i dislike.

just got back from a wonderful holiday, other than the extremely HOT weather which proved a little too much for me, everything was really great... i will write abt that in another entry. right now i just want to pen this bit of sorrow.
just thinking of some people and some things in the past, read a couple of old emails from people and my heart really aches... there are things i wish had happened, there are people that i miss a lot all of a sudden. the days and weeks and months go by without seeing or hearing from them, and usually i dont find myself thinking about them very much since everyone has more or less lost contact. i dont read anyone's blogs anymore, i dont even blog very often anymore, and no one reads my blog anymore save a few people, (im not saying this like, out of self pity, i mean it as a fact), my old friends, we dont hang out together anymore, maybe they do contact and hang out only that i dunno, but at least to me, me and them, we dont hang out anymore. there are a few people, i wonder really what they've become and who they are now, because i simply dont know whats happening with them and where they are now and whats going on in their lives. havent heard their voices, havent seen their faces, havent had any contact at all. some people, we parted after we left school, with me still harbouring contempt and hate and hurt, with me still unable to say out all the things they never knew i felt about them, both good and bad, and after we parted, it was even harder to say anything to them as they just sped on with their lives and out of mine... no chance to say a word. i wonder if any of them Ever think about me now, and what are they thinking, if they do.
its a very strange feeling, to miss the people you had wanted to get away from, to miss those whom you always felt hurt by. maybe its because ive always kept a hope that these people, one day all this unhappiness and bad feelings for them that i had, everything will blow over, because deep down, i still consider them as friends, i remember all the little things that we shared, each one of them. i just wish that there was some more time to change things, and there probably is, but things are not the same now and it's just so hard to make something in the future when there's a past thats still there in my mind, unresolved. what i mean is, feelings are still there, memories; both secret and public, judgements of people's character and the mindset; meaning, expecting them to act one way and get a huge bad shock when they dont...

gentle reminder to everyone: please do not message or call me on my hp form 8th-14th may as i will not be in singpore and therefore you will have to pay 30cents for one sms if you sms me. thanks.

..... since i last blogged... cant remember when i did that...
am only blogging now at this unearthly hour because i am online downloading stuff... taking damn long to do so but well gotta finish it. if parents catch me here right now? i will be completely screwed. yes.
sorry pple, if you've been checking my blog and seeing nothing. no mood, no time, no energy. just doesnt appeal to me to come to my blog and type nowadays. these few days i just keep my feelings inside. even my private blog has been temporarily abandoned. dont know whats up with me. i used to be such a blog enthusiast. everything i will blog. now... even the most important things, i think about blogging, then when i get to the comp i completely dont.
well anyway, today was alright, pretty fun. we did a recording and all that, i really wld enjoy recording songs. it wld be like, a dream come true. haha. all my bathroom practice would pay off, i hope.
dunno. right now at this moment feeling quite down. maybe very tired. but just a little men4 men4 bu4 le4... sigh. i think i know why, but shant say it here lah, lest the person reads it and i prob will hear no end to it. not that i really care but seriously i have no energy to play the game in which someone always thinks he is just so right and so smart... well im sorry that you think only you know best and that you can come around and tell people that they are in the wrong, and im sorry that im not as learned in this certain area so i dont really know what i can do, and too bad that despite me trying all the ways i know to do something, you think its not good enough for you and you come and tell me so. as though i just sat on my ass and and wished for magic.
anyway, almost done downloading, i hope.
sigh. its already may. i so wish it wasnt. the days pass just like that, and i remain aware yet unaware. many things have happened since we left school... changes, like we grew up, our daily timetables changed drastically, friends lost, for some of us, new school already, for others like me, going thru all the tiresome procedures and awaiting entry into poly, with feelings like dreadful anticipation... its all sickening.
haiz i dunno lah. i just want life to be good. whatever good means. just, for once, good. but thats just wishful thinking. even now when i havent started school yet, problems are piling up like debris of a fallen building... lots of things weigh on my mind, or at least, a few problems that are big enough to be a burden, and the few that my peers do not understand because they dont have those problems and never did.
well......
i dont really know what to say anymore. everything sounds stupid to say at this point in time... guess i'll just end here and leave the vagueness hanging without an explanation.
oh before i forget, please do not message or call me on my hp from 9-14 may (for 9th, after 230pm dont sms liao, for 14th, before midnight dont sms). will not be in singapore. unless urgent then, but i dont think you all will have anything that urgent to need to reach me also.
k. goodnight world. or rather, good morning. what sux is that i am supposed to be up at 8am this morning for (yet another game of) badminton. everyday play until damn sianz.
right. ciao.

my house might have burned down today? yeah well my dad left something on the stove and he went in to do some computer stuff and the next thing we both knew, the whole flat was full of grey smoke, in every room and staining every piece of clothing with the smell of burnt coal. luckily the pressure cooker didnt explode if not that would have started a fire and we'd be on the streets tonight and you might have me knocking on your door asking if you have a room to spare.... ok nevermind.

it sucks. i have so much to say everyday but once i come online i just dont have to mood to type it all down. and it would be such a pity to just account for everything in a few words, so i always think haiyah wait till i got time and mood to say then i elaborate. but since that time isnt appearing after so long, i'll just have to speak in a few words then.