DoRcAs
all the colours in a rainbow plus all others you can name. reading. taking neoprints. 5566. boa. simple plan. christina. evanescence. a lot of other singers/bands i cant remember their names. songs. sleeping. going out. talking deep with someone. going out alone. woodlands library. my dark red checked backpack. my cd player. jace7.blogdrive.com. taking photos. laksa the yellow noodle. vespa bikes. writing. happiness. pointy shoes that dont give blisters. flare skirts. my silver slippers. my roxy backpack. my black necklace. my colourful star necklace. cuff bracelets. smiling people. stoning. guitar. my room. the wooden coloured phone set with the huge buttons. my white and red sweaters. chocolate or chocolate chip. surprising bouquets of flowers. red roses. blue roses. lilies. every other flower that looks good. broadband. my adiddas sneakers. my nike track shoes. my ring with the pink crystal button. my diamond ring. dancing. singing. friends who dont suck. smallish dogs. the 2 cats from the malay family at story 1 which always stare at me. my 6 budgies. loud music. ballads. laughing at funny statements in books. especially romantic comedies.
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Monday, August 09, 2004
so so so tired liao!!!
argh ok. its bloody 3.10am now.
been talking to guang yang. guess there was a lot to say, coz we just ended now. jialat my brain is blown.
wei han isnt the angel i thought he was. im sad, but at the same time, very very glad i didnt allow myself to develop even a slight crush on him. coz he SARKX. poor albert. i start to sympathize with him, perhaps see him in a better light now. because it doesnt EVER feel nice to be stabbed by a friend.
nice talking to guang yang. for once he talk more sense than stupid bhb jokes haha. he always thinks im serious, when im joking. doink. cant tell from all my hahas that im joking meh. lol. yah but i finally discovered that he can be serious, and he can feel things for real and not everything just joke abt it. i forced him to tell wendy. im not sure if he will, but i'll try and hook them up. well. if wendy doesnt mind me butting in lidat lah, after so many yrs of not seeing each other... im always doing this for gy. being his... matchmaker or someone he turns to only when he got girl trouble... the last time it was abt amelia, for yu jia not much coz i dunno her and i dont like her. now for wendy. smtimes i remember these things i do for him, and i feel somewhat attached to him but he doesnt share the feeling. thats why we remain normal frenz and arent very close. but well... its ok lor. i mean... he likes someone know, if i can help, might as well lor.
yeah so, i think i shd sleep. im expected to get up for badminton tmr morning. damn sianz. really. i dont want today to end. coz after tmr is over, its back to school and endless ridiculous chionging once again...
me and terence damn lame. i put my nick as yandao and put his pic, he put his nick as chiobu and put my pic. then we write on the pix, yandao, and chiobu. hahahahaha, terence is right, ego booster man!! aki looks pretty good in the foto, but he doesnt look that good in real life leh... lol. how come? usually shd be the other way round right....
anyway, i have to go. mom gonna scream if i drag somemore. nitez! ERRRR morningz!
peace yo.
out.
etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 4:19 am
Sunday, August 08, 2004
in mac
yoyoyo
yay conquered another mac today... using the super fast connection, skynetglobal.... fantastic connection man... YAY i love working in mac..
anyway yeah today... happy coz sat beside yile for the whole service!! haha eh it wasnt planned one lor. just that i came late so sat there and then they were like all teasing me hahahaha.<interrupt here coz lappy shut down coz no batt liao. then go dinner then come home then conitnue> and i just had to take the chance ot gross them out by saying he was yandao and all that lol. make them sick.
yeah then... he talked to me some but once again we were on different wavelength!! grrr. but well we both agree the kids were cute. actually i was happy coz this morning he sms-ed to thank me for the present... im really glad he liked it coz if not, i wld have been damn embarrassed... haha. so gals you were so wrong! he wasnt grossed out and he isnt a da nan ren aka mcp, wahahaha. too bad. yeah then after the service he thanked me again, and i was like, happy :) then he said take care, coz we were gonna separate liao. then i went about grossing the girls out more by gushing about him. their reactions always damn funny!! i love to do it haha. esp to beat and tianyu. but they refused to gimme the sweet coz they said the sweet is only for "the normal people" and not those who "like gross things". they calling him gross lor!! sob sob. hahahaha i mean, whats new. they've been at it since i could remember.
yeah then today what else... er went to mac with daniel.... copied notes and tried to start on gracom but kinda failure haha. im very tired now. yeah but so, copied a bit of notes only. dont know why i seemed to work damn slow today, or time passed very fast, and in the end i found i hadnt done as much as i had hoped to do... so yeah gracom still undone now. will finish tonight before i sleep, no matter what i do. so why am i here still blogging and wasting time??! haha.
yeah then over dinner, i blabbed on about me to daniel, poor him always gotta listen to my rubbish. but its nice to talk and be heard lah. not always fighting to be heard, but just being heard. thats why i like to go out in small groups, or just with another individual. coz u are heard when you talk and you dont have to shout. i always end up shouting or else not talking when im with a big grp. who asked me to be short, i know. suckz. and now he knows my deep dark secret hohoho. i warn you, dont tell anyone ok. no one knows hor!! its so embarrassing. and you know that thing i said about subconscious thing plus me and relationships? its just a maybe. i have no proof that it is for real, and i guess it really depends on whether i like the guy enough, or something lidat, noe? its not the full reason as to why i dont do relationships... like i said, i have no proof. yah.
well... hmm dunno what to blog liao lor. didnt go to esplandade as planned... sorry hafiz, but anyway you are clubbing now right, so its ok lah no loss. :) yeah but im somewhat glad i didnt go also. hmm. maybe another time bah.
yawnz. tired. want to sleep but cannot. gotta go gracom remember?! yah.
just now i saw a Von Dutch cap, bag and shirt that i really really feel like buying. only that i dont have no money at all to buy haha. then there was a pink halter dress from Red2 that i liked a lot but also didnt buy. guess thats the price to pay for all my auctioning.... left with no money to buy anything liao. haiz.
hmm ok going to start on gracom again. wish me luck before i kill my machine trying to do it, like the last gracom project.
peace yo, dorcas, out.
etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 11:30 pm
purest of pain
well
there isnt really a reason for my title. just feels like it says something i wont be saying here.
finally got to give yile his bdae present today. wonder what he thinks about it. maybe he's really too macho man to like the bear i gave him. oh no. haha. heck. met him on the train today, so we walked into the choir room together and they were like, eehh.... haha. i mean they were thinking that not saying it. just now i was replaying our conversation in the train and i realize we were on different wavelengths, as usual! he said, you tie your hair i cannot recognize you. i heard dye your hair, so i said its been lidat for very long already what. then the convo sort went on a little while more abt my hair, with both of us thinking different things haha. damn we're always like so blur with each other. just now tiffany asked me to wear a J, for jireh. haha. hey dont gimme ideas, i just might lor....
today i was tired the whoe day wonder why hmm. and now here i am again at this unearthly hour, blogging. sianz. donno what to blog about.
next sunday xian chang!! grrr only knew abt it today. really must make more effort to learn the song by sat if not im gone liao... such a nice song i dont wanna screw it up on stage...
wow its so quiet.
nobody come and chat with me tonight. win already lor.
oh by the way the cool thing is i found a long lost friend from my pri school days, its really really cool and surprising, i didnt even remember her but she remembered me, which is absolutely, wow. haha. she was my friend back then, i remember so, but i always have a hazy memory, well, something was not quite right with her, if im not wrong, people didnt like her much, i cant remember why, maybe she was kinda bossy or smarty-pants or something know? or bitchy? i really forgot. but now she shd be alright. and the darndest thing EVER is that she's the wendy that guang yang told me he likes, and i didnt even know i knew her! and she found me thru him. AND also me and wendy both know simon hahaha. she's in bit. she just told me that guang yang actually went up and introduced himself and asked for her number sia. he's got weird taste man. but then, im still quite glad its her. at least i know her. and i can like... talk to her abt him... its just cool. we hope to meet up when there's time, maybe in canteen 1 or something. hope can lor. hope to meet jie ying too!! another old fren, used to be from my clique. there were i think 4 of us? me jie ying yit shan and lixian. no wendy wasnt part of it. oh and there was shirleen/shirlyn. i forget the actually spelling. or is it shireen? hmmmmm. oh just to clear any doubts, they're not from fmps one... from somewhere else... yah.
shit dammit i think my mom just came out of her room means she saw my light on means im still awake means she's gonna kp me like hell once again, when she gets the chance to. shit lah. cant i have some privacy and peace of mind while im at it...
well. this weekend got a lot of work to do. after copying my notes i still have to do gracom project and debate research. jialat sia. think my brains will blow. when i stop aching i will go and run again.
sigh tired lah back really hurts from the way im sitting... time's up, 2 am already. going to sleep. tmr's church cannot pon. shit lah, really very tired man.
there must have been more i wanted to say if not i wouldnt have come and blogged, but i cant remember anything more. oh..... OH.. now i remember.. but not to be blogged here one... shat.
k lor nvm dont blog liao. damn tired, breaking down now. the end of this short entry.
wah damn my leg went numb coz i put my lappie on it... now change leg and this one going numb asap...
peace yo.
dorcas out.
etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 3:06 am
Saturday, August 07, 2004
fiz birfday... sad sad sad... not him, me.
happy birthday hafiz. finally 17. feel any different?
today. tired. damn tired. sleeping in locvdp tutorial. and then wei chin sorta like dissed my group and everything, ok i know our video sucked but we really tried esp with the music thing... and then during consultation she was like quite fierce also, dunno why lah. we were just trying to be friendly, maybe she thought we were digressing or something.
then what else....
yeah after locvdp, had to kill time waiting for fiz... luckily got melvin... hey girlfren, thanks for listening to my bitching... you're quite cool in your own way lah, you understand me haha. yeah. its nice when a guy understands. and he actually feels sad for me. AAWWW thanks. but then he keep reminding me by saying things, wah... pain lor.
yeah then turned out fiz had forgotten he was supposed to meet me... so i called him.. if i didnt he prob wouldnt have come... yeah well... we talked for a brief minute then he rushed off coz i think people were waiting for him back at the bus stop where he came from... so yeah.
melvin and i left after a while, i went off he went library coz he got french today thus staying back...
yeah..
wah no mood to blog
oh but i wanna say im proud of myself coz i went and ran two rounds just now... and did some sit ups and push ups... after like how many donkey years of not doing any exercise save the weekly tennis sessions... should make this routine like every friday or wtv but i doubt i can keep to it... today's was just a spur of the moment thing, sudden enthusiasm abt it. its a long story but there was a reason why i suddenly went and ran today.
then somemore, i decided to take 154 all the way home. hey, that actually means something ok... i dont ever take 154 all the way coz the journey bloody long and gives me bad headaches...
k lah i think i go snooze, or else i shall go offline and start doing my work liao....
once again, happy birthday hafiz. peace yo. dorcas out.
etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 2:00 am
Thursday, August 05, 2004
founder's day dinner
tonight's FOUNDER'S DAY DINNER.
thinking back on it now, maybe the actual dinner wasnt that enjoyable, but being there and with people that i didnt know i missed quite a lot, was. although our class turnout was damn little compared to other classes, it was just quite nice lor. i REALLY REALLY want to take some fotos with some people, and some more fotos with those i took with, but sadly there's no chance to. want to take some more with guohao. didnt take any with elena so i want to take with her. want to take more with jx. del. tiff. kian wee. didnt take any with gabriel. want to take with cass. su yi. anyone i know. just want to take with them i can remember them. sigh. i dont have the akapella foto. im damn pissed. but what to do. and the one foto with ben is over-exposed. grrrr!!!
haiz. but well, out of all my fotos, which are very very very few compared to that of my imagination which is too many anyway, i like the picture of terry, simply because he looks good in the foto, and i just have been trying to get a foto of him since what, 2 years ago? so to finally get it is just nice lor. then i like the one of myself, though its very small, cant see details like my necklace or whatever... a bit wasted lah. nvm. then.... those with other people one... i like the one with mark, only because i seem to look nice there, not that i know mark at all haha... and i cant remember the other ones lah. basically my hair looks damn weird in all of them. its the fringe lah. maybe i shd try and fix the fringe.
well tonight... the dinner programme... um was alright, basically nothing much, people were just taking fotos and saying hi to other people lor.. nothing lah.. hardly ate anything which is quite sad, dunno whats the waiter's prob didnt gimme noodles lor damn him. i always say thank you to him and he dont gimme noodles. then no mushroom. then the fish gimme all the broken pieces. wah lau. in the end i drank 5 glasses of coke. dammit. yeah then had some people sing on stage for us, got one grp pri 4, one grp pri 5, one grp ex sec 4 i.e. timothy leon etc. k lah. but i still felt like a lot was missing from the dinner. we didnt have much to say to each other, maybe we're just not close lor. esp jerome and joseph, i think they were kinda left out too, since their clique wasnt there, i.e shirong and terence. piak and huimin also didnt come. nick didnt. ok to name those who did, me guohao del tiff daniel joseph jerome lijia who didnt sit with us jonathan wen jia yen bing jian xiang i think thats all right. yeah. no elena no kelvin... quite quiet without them. donno leh. maybe its just me, or else, i didnt feel a connection with the rest of those in that big room. even with those of us around the same table, sometimes i couldnt think of anything to say to them, simply coz i dont even know them at all. like jerome and joseph. what could we possibly talk abt other than school, which only in name, we have in common. aaaahhh. dunno. saw other classes seem so happy and so united and i felt quite sad that we're not like that at all.
(just let me say this oop thing which you may not understand but im just frustrated abt it... WHY THE HELL AM I STILL DC-ING I THOUGHT HE FIXED THE DAMN CONNECTION TODAY ALREADY, WHATS THE REAL PROBLEM WITH THIS CONNECTION HUH?!? STILL DC-ING? ISNT IT SUPPOSED TO BE FIXED FOR GOOD? DAMN!!)
yes next. then after the dinner we went to esplanade. loved loved loved being there at that time and it was damn nice and windy. really love the place at night. lotsa couples lah but its ok i guess. just makes me kinda wish i had someone special to go there with. oh well. yeah so i really felt reluctant to leave, although we spent quite long there, but there were still many things i really wanted to talk about, like, just wanted to know whats been up with them, i really wish we could have talked more, felt kinda left out as i always do, coz a lot of things i know that i dont know. but i guess everyone was like just... maybe tired, maybe thinking about the whole going home thing... so its like... yeah. then tmr most pple have school. i dont, but i have to get up early, go out early, buy all my supplies, find the stand for fiz's present, do my media updates, do my gracom bloody projects... F i forgot about copying my notes. no copying's gonna get done tmr liao. forget it haiz. no mood or energy to think now.
yeah so we spent quite a while there but after that we had to leave liao. by then was already past 1140pm i think. squashed into del's dad's car. in the end everyone got dropped off just downstairs of their homes. many thanks for the lift again! sorry for the trouble, really.
sigh. so yeah. guess thats all lor. still missing some people, like, just feel like talking to them and sorta re-finding these people i once talked to and once knew, perhaps more than hi bye or no talk to all... you could say i miss those whom i dont know. coz they're now all strangers, if you mean personally.
k lor, gonna go and do something else. haiz. wish i could have stayed at esplanade. coming home, only see my mother's not-very-happy-face for some reason, my dad's prob really mad with me for coming home after 12, but i couldnt help it today, and yday. he shdnt blame me, its not like i went clubbing or anything.
well. ciao. au revoir. good morning.
dorcas
peace out
p.s forgot to mention that my camera fell into the prawn dish and gave me a heart attack... which reminds i have to wash the stupid case before ants come sia. haiz too lazy. and parents will then know that something happened. i cant tell them see...
etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 2:30 am
Sunday, August 01, 2004
i should never have been born. never.
in all my 17 years, i've never felt so lousy about myself for being your daughter, than i do tonight.
dorcas
etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 12:10 am
Saturday, July 31, 2004
on the tips of my toes
today.
how about i start with last night.
see previous entry. was damn damn damn pissed.
scolded f all the way.
questioned God and cried like i haven't done in a long long time.
in the end tired myself out to sleep, because today got medisoc and locvdp.
today.
nothing big. medisoc was interesting. i actually like this module if only it wasn't so hard to score.
everyone's gracom project looks great. mine sux in comparison. they went for laser printing and everything. cost a lot. hope kok kee dont just look at the colour nice then give them good grade then i print from home gimme lousy grade. wont right?
then ok lor. got daniel to come out and pei me, since no one else available. just didnt want to come home and face father lah. sianz of parents.
broke down and cried in the train... was talking about my grandma then i just got overwhelmed by all the sadness and anger i've been facing these few days due to all those reasons...
was not very glam i suppose, i know got people looking at me.
didn't care lah. was sad what, already start to cry, what could i do.
first time cried that much on a train. yeah. sorry daniel if it was awkward for you to be sitting beside me.
managed to stop crying and look up before reaching woodlands.
ate a late lunch at mac then walked around. tried all the rings in the shop. love love love the things there. really do.
bought a ring for min wen, sadly cant find back the one i have since she likes that one. well hope she likes this one.
went to popular, got 2 pens. yay. thanks.
sadly the purple bear i wanted from long ago is no longer there. never mind. waste money anyway.
popped into a lot of shops and checked out all the stuff. bought nothing though.
went to metro. saw a lot of clothes there i like. some pieces are really really nice.
went through the toy section. nothing too fascinating, mostly alright.
bought some studs later when we were leaving woodlands. expensive sigh. i hate to spend any more money. none to spend. i have $1 right now and that's it.
come home. find yet another stupid person sent registered mail to my house. the last thing i want is for anyone to send registered mail because my father will get it and then know i have mail.
braced myself for their return.
what a silent, awkward, unhappy, cold dinner we just had.
no one spoke, only a few sentences of small talk, i said nothing the whole dinner.
they were trying not to bring up anything, and trying to pretend things were normal.
i know they know i had more mail today.
i know they aren't happy about it.
maybe they have some agreement not to mention it. maybe they just don't want a replay of last night's ugly arguement scene.
i feel like they have an agreement.
smart move.
i've heard enough from them to last me the next week. please.
shut up.
stay out of my way.
let me be.
that's the best you can do for me right now.
hafiz is not online. i would really like to talk to him about something.
tomorrow i'm bringing yi le is present. hope he likes it.
tomorrow i have to collect fiz's present.
going to be busy tomorrow.
and i am so tired now.
i wish i wasn't going to school tomorrow.
wei chin and the editing machine. both have common goals:
1. to put me to sleep
2. to cause me more confusion
3. and stress
4. to drain whatever energy i managed to recharge myself after the lousy night's sleep.
nice, isn't it.
and my stress level for the next week is going to shoot sky high.
media updates. impromptu speech. french test. editing narrative video. starting to plan assessed project one locvdp, if there's time for my group to do so. planning of debate, my group.
dont think i'll be granted my thursday this week.
really tired now. think i need to sleep.
tomorrow wearing my new clothes. just to make myself happy.
oh yeah.
fairfield go to hell lah.
you think you very big now ah, ostracizing my class from founder's day dinner.
what do you mean no more tables, no more tickets.
where got people plan a graduation dinner and not expect more to show up.
hello, it's out grad too, and we want to see our friends too.
we may not be the smartest or best class but you don't have a right to refuse us tables.
cram 2 more in there. there is space. you're just not willing to do it.
doesnt matter. appreciate the rest.
also, maybe i'll just get my 4F to go out for something, dinner, or whatever.
thanks a lot for not helping, fairfield.
can you believe not getting to attend your own grad.
ah whatever. don't have to feel inferior to the beauties [pukez] on that night.
ahaha sorry to any beauty who is reading this. i don't mean you specifically.
that's it. i'm tired. tomorrow there's school.
goodnight.
peace yo. dorcas, out.
etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 12:31 am
Friday, July 30, 2004
low
sometimes i hate coming home.
not just because i have to face my parents and the uncertainty of their attitudes.
but for the plain fact that i think a lot more when im alone and when im at home.
i think about everything that happened in the day, good or bad, and the bad always ends up outweighing the good by far somehow... no matter how good the day has been.
i think about the things said, the actions done.
i regret not doing what i wanted to do or could have done, i chide myself for things i could have said or wanted to, but did not.
i think about my class, and the stupid divide that's slowly surfacing. how they are starting to leave people out. and how i see myself being one of them again.
ok here comes my mom scolding me again. for auctioning things again.
can she stop it. does she want me to tell her that i have no money left now already, cant auction even if i wanted to.
i hate coming home. why do i have to come home.
why do i have to face my parents.
why do i have to think.
why does everything go so badly.
can they just leave me along. i am so sick of it. all of it.
today watched house of flying daggers. good arty show but there was no solid ending and there were some parts which were inconsistent. so yeah kind of weird. after learning locvdp, tend to look out for these things. maybe not obvious to anyone else but kind of stands out now
SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MY BANK ACCOUNT AND MY MONEY YOU WANT THE SUPPORT MONEY GO AND ASK MY DAD COME AND ASK ME FOR FUCKING WHAT USE
JUST FUCK OFF LAH MOTHER! FUCKING BITCH!! etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 12:39 am
Thursday, July 29, 2004
damn just cant be happy even for a day
damn.
i feel like saying fuck.
oh. how lame. i just said it.
just now i played tennis till i cried. i cant stand it. the game makes me really frustrated and makes me feel really stupid about myself. i hate the game. because it makes me feel like a failure. no matter how hard i try i still cant play well. just like in specom. i try but i cant speak well. i still lose.
lose lose lose.
thats what im here in life for.
to lose. to always be the someone who loses
in everything.
i lose in everything, to everything, and everything.
everything, everyone i love, everything i cherish, i lose.
fuck.
"let me tell you what you want baby!"
its in an f.i.r song. doesnt mean anything when i type it, but now im thinking abt it and it means
something.
ARGH WTF IS WRONG WITH ME MAN
i am going crazy!
fuck im damn p.i.s.s.e.d.
daniel can you not always choose those days when im really fucked up, to get on my case?
then its like, he's totally pissing me off with every single thing he's doing.
i am already tired of waiting and liking him. i cant remember previously giving up on someone this fast. usually i hold out for a long time. but right now due to the build up of negativity these few days, i have no energy to spend on all these things anymore. so its really too bad but im over the limit.
he's always either doing something else or he doesnt notice anything or something like that. cant stand it lah. really had enough of people being this way in my life. nobody ever notices the shit. everyone's forever preoccupied. enough man. enough.
i feel absolutely SICK of everything and everyone.
just get lost.
there's nothing to talk about.
MISERABLE.
CAN THE WORLD JUST FUCK OFF FOR A WHILE AND LEAVE ME ALONE. ALREADY MISERABLE WHAT MORE DO YOU ALL WANT.
just want to leave my body and fly away.
dorcas
etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 1:23 am
Thursday, July 22, 2004
first time
..... yes first time....
trying out the wireless here at mac!!! WOOHOOO i totally rock!! i managed to get a connection and now i can surf and everything hehehehe i love this man...
but then im running on battery so i cant surf much, i need to do my specom hmk!! sob oh well at least i can on my msn and everything, not that anyone is online right now lor.. like only penny and she's stoning away i think, and fiz is busy and anyway he's gonna leave for school soon so its like sian diao... my lunch is getting real cold but haiz heck this is more fun hahaha....
nothing much to type only to tell the whole world that i got the connection hehehe. feels good like i achieved something lidat
today i got a bit of a cold and its like my nose is blocked and then i've been trying to concentrate and write my notes, thursdays are for piaing one so i have no choice i have to do my notes and all hnmk today if not no time till next thurs... people all looking at me sia typing away furiously hahaha. lol. i dunno why i feel good about this. its just nothing.
yeah so its like im quite tired and everything and its like have to write the notes lor. i think i will start to eat now before i start surfing and then end up slacking like hell sia. hmmm still got lotsa stuff to do for today. die.
k then peace yo and dorcas out.
vous aimez moi?
out.
etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 2:33 pm
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