inside me

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

flu... hai...

Hmmm…

Very tired today. Coz got a cold somehow. Maybe yesterday gabe pass to me sia. Oh well. Haha. But im tired lah really.

Tennis today, laugh a lot coz mabel damn lame… think teacher give up on me… he didn’t even bother to send me off the court again like last week. Actually today thinking about it I felt like ponning tennis, somemore I am not feeling well liao, but in the end just went for it… sigh. So sad. I wanted to be the tennis teacher’s pet lor. But since I suck at it and he’s not impressed, then cannot lor. Too bad.

Am typing this in Word first, since cannot access internet. Heard that singnet users all got connection problem or something, lag so much until cannot connect. Cant even display the np page which I set as home page… msn cant sign in…. everything cannot use. So only can use Word to blog. Haiz. Need to go online urgently actually, need to get script from Melvin or someone, and need to research for debate and need to get the sab thing from Stephanie. In the end it looks like im gonna be the one doing the whole sab shit. Haiz. What to do. By tmr if it doesn’t get back to normal I will have to go cyber café to use internet liao. Hope they don’t have the same freaking problem there.

Haiz today feel quite sad. Dunno leh. Sometimes I think I am sad when I see a guy like another girl a lot. I think im sad coz I wish that girl was me. Its quite stupid, I know. But it just makes me kinda feel lousy about being me, like, why is it that some people have all the luck, not only do things go right for them, but guys also like them more, or they have more friends, sometimes they don’t even want guys to like them, or they don’t even want more friends, but they just have them. I want also don’t have. So sometimes I get pissed at them too, coz its like they don’t even appreciate the things they have, the friends, the guys, the good grades, the money, whatever. Sigh. Why cant life be fairer.

Yeah. So I guess it makes me sad to see terence. Just now I was like playing with him, then he said eh don’t like that later she (wendy) see. Then I was like, fine sia… wah lau. Then I walk away, then he say eh don’t like that lah then I ran far away up front. Its just that I feel like, im trying to be ur friend then all u care abt is someone who doesn’t even like or bother about you. Then, seeing albert also makes me sad, coz he also likes wendy. Wei han didn’t come, but he ALSO likes wendy. Damn sianz everyone likes wendy. Whatever lah. Then seeing guang yang also damn sianz, coz he likes his wendy too. Different wendy.

Then sometimes I see my other friends, like maybe guohao, and someone else I cannot mention to protect identity, and some other people, they also found people to like and everything… and sometimes I wonder, am I going to just be everyone’s Friend, and remain there, just a Friend and nothing more, no matter how much I care or even if I liked someone, will I forever be the one that they don’t think of, the one who has to hide her feelings so they can be happy, so they can go and like someone else… how come they never know? How come they cant like me first. And how come I always like the wrong people, always the ones who will either never like me back, or already like someone else, or something?

Haiz. Whats the whole point of saying all these. Not like by saying it the people I refer to will like, do anything about it. What sux is I cant even say who the hell they are, and even if I did, doesn’t mean anything good will come out of it. Only means that I’ll prob lose their friendship, or everything will just be damn awkward. I will never be telling any guy how I feel about him anymore. For me I just never get positive responses from these people. It sux big time and I have had enough of it… being not good enough, or not the person that they like, or all that shit.

Sigh my cold seems to be getting worse.

I like having the house to myself. I can do anything I like. I wish my parents will come home late. Just feel like having some peace and quiet and freedom for once.

Tomorrow if I get better, I may bring my work out to do. Just don’t like to stay home, coz dad is around everyday. Its boring. Its not like im doing something bad here, but I just like to be alone at home, or else simply away from my parents. Don’t know why. Just don’t like the fact that when they’re around they still more or less can control what I do and stuff. So I’d rather bring my lappie outside and do sia. Sigh. Tmr gonna have to chiong a lot of things. Debate. Locvdp storyboard if there’s any way Melvin or someone is going to pass to me the edited script. Print gracom? And what else… sab can put on hold since its only due abt 2 weeks later… next week gonna be more busy tho it’s a week’s break… break like no break. Gonna be filming and editing locvdp, then… gotta study for medisoc common test (big thing man…) which is the week after, then Tuesday next week is ah ma birthday sure will go whether or not im allowed to. Then… specom test coming soon also is it?? Don’t even remember.

Then what sux is that this Friday I have French make up lesson, which means I have to miss the fms party, which means I’ll be not only damn tired after French, but I’ll also be left out once again when they start talking abt the party, if they go… and shit, then next Friday there’s the bloody workshop thing which really sux. Pray hard im not in sarah’s group. Really. I don’t wanna be in hafiz group either. Just wanna be with my classmates. Hopefully get penny mabel yawen, either of them is fine.

Sigh e cold is killing me. Draining my energy damn fast. Internet still shat up. So yeah. That’s all I got strength to write about. Peace yo. Dorcas out.

etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 8:25 pm
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Tuesday, August 10, 2004

i see red today

yesh today my class wore red. i felt quite good about it in the sense that we were like, united against 102 who came for our specom tutorial class... and also during medisoc, if u scanned the whole LT, you wld see the occasional red speck and it would be one of us 105 peeps. haha it was quite nice. i like red, so all the more better. unfortunately i dont have many red clothes at all.
hmm today wasnt that great a day however. ok lemme run thru the day as briefly as possible. knowing me its not really possible haha.
1. i find its true, jian qi does like to argue and fight about his points... but then he's also a nice person aside from the arguing lor. seriously. its like, i started noticing after he lent me a dollar, and then we sat at the same table for lunch, and during debate in library. during lunch, he bought soya bean milk, and i was like wah i want, but i was just saying only, and he actually offered to me. that was nice of him, though i wasnt really seriously wanting him to offer. but still quite nice. yah.
2. terence and his attitude got on my nerves like scorching fire man. seriously i blew a bit of my top already today. i just felt damn pissed off, why the hell was he venting his anger on the rest of us and fighting our every point and diss every single thing we were trying to do? just coz he got a bad grade for specom AS#2 then he was like really showing us face colour, going off by himself, shouting at us sometimes, or rather raising his voice lah, and when we tried to do stuff he wld just put everything down and not even make a bloody effort to try and get over himself. then i just got real mad then i said, terence can you dont like that a not, very difficult you know! then i slammed the newspaper clippings on the table and just busied myself with doing the debate. it was like, i was tired and his constant attituding and announcing he was leaving and spouting not-really-vulgarities-but-just-not-nice-to-hear words, was just NOT helping sia. haiz. so far in the past 7 weeks i havent shown temper to any one from my class before, in fact, havent shown any temper to anyone in poly yet. until today lor. even derek, i thought he cant get angry one, but he did, also due to terence's loud jarring comments. derek, i think he was more exasperated that we didnt get anything done for the first 1.5hrs because we couldnt agree on anything BECAUSE terence had something to say about everything we decided on. he attacked all of us, derek, me, jian qi... wendy also. but less. duh.
but im glad to say that things got better after that terrible time. somehow managed to start on something, tho he still attitude for some time more, than VERY slowly he started getting better, than started joking, then TOTALLY BULLIED ME... HOHO we were like damn idiotic down there throw things at each other, then he keep making fun of me (but i just laughed along with him lah. at least he was being better lor. if not, he prob go back into that stupid state...) then a lot of things lah. in the end the moral of the group was boosted some, i mean at least we were back on talking terms, then me and him like, gaying around lah. suddenly he like damn buddy buddy with me, maybe it was to make wendy jealous but i dont really think she was considering she doesnt like him, but it was alright lah. so far i havent been very close to terence coz no chance to really know him, other than the occasional chat online which is never about anything worth remembering... yeah then ok lor now.
3. feeling very tired and restless tonight. in fact, for the whole of today lah. didnt see a single school student in the morning and everything, which reminded me that i was going to school while they were all still sleeping... and then medisoc lect, so many people absent today, jing ying not here (quite thankful for that coz if she came i wldnt have lived thru lect without getting really irritated and prob wld show some face colour...), and hafiz also not here, wonder if he's sick but i think most prob he just cldnt wake up or decided that since he was late liao might as well not come. msged him but he didnt reply, i think he called me or something but i missed it and anyway i dont like getting calls coz damn ex. yeah so anyway, im going to sleep like once im done with this and settling my locvdp stuff with penny... really, really, really, sianzified liao lah. dunno why today feel so shatty haiz. just dont feel like doing nothing at all.
is it possible to hate someone you dont even know?
coz i hate sarah. sarah anne or some shit. i dont know her but i really really dislike her and a little more and i will officially hate her. i dont know why i hate her. actually i do, because she's bloody attitude, poser, bitch. as in, i know she has a great figure and all that but she can stop flaunting it and just be a bit more.... normal like the rest of us just for once. i think she'll find life happier if she could stop having to keep the cool image and therefore the freaking attitude too. and for goodness sake, does she have something against me being hafiz's friend? i mean, i dont even have anything against her (openly), and that time when he was talking to me she was like giving me that bloody look. please lah, its not like im trying to steal HER friend or whatever, she can have him, and anyway do i have to remind her that she has a boyfriend and shawn prob wont be too happy to know that she's like so possessive over another guy?? ahhhh not that i know or care what the hell she's thinking lah. whatever it is, dont involve me. i dont need anything from someone like her. better that we remain strangers. she and sophia or something are precisely the kind of people i never wanted to meet in mass comm, but knew would have to.
ok nvm. i should end now. feeling shatty and completely restless like suddenly i dont feel like going to school everyday. sianz. dorcas out.

etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 10:48 pm
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Monday, August 09, 2004

so so so tired liao!!!

argh ok. its bloody 3.10am now.
been talking to guang yang. guess there was a lot to say, coz we just ended now. jialat my brain is blown.
wei han isnt the angel i thought he was. im sad, but at the same time, very very glad i didnt allow myself to develop even a slight crush on him. coz he SARKX. poor albert. i start to sympathize with him, perhaps see him in a better light now. because it doesnt EVER feel nice to be stabbed by a friend.
nice talking to guang yang. for once he talk more sense than stupid bhb jokes haha. he always thinks im serious, when im joking. doink. cant tell from all my hahas that im joking meh. lol. yah but i finally discovered that he can be serious, and he can feel things for real and not everything just joke abt it. i forced him to tell wendy. im not sure if he will, but i'll try and hook them up. well. if wendy doesnt mind me butting in lidat lah, after so many yrs of not seeing each other... im always doing this for gy. being his... matchmaker or someone he turns to only when he got girl trouble... the last time it was abt amelia, for yu jia not much coz i dunno her and i dont like her. now for wendy. smtimes i remember these things i do for him, and i feel somewhat attached to him but he doesnt share the feeling. thats why we remain normal frenz and arent very close. but well... its ok lor. i mean... he likes someone know, if i can help, might as well lor.
yeah so, i think i shd sleep. im expected to get up for badminton tmr morning. damn sianz. really. i dont want today to end. coz after tmr is over, its back to school and endless ridiculous chionging once again...
me and terence damn lame. i put my nick as yandao and put his pic, he put his nick as chiobu and put my pic. then we write on the pix, yandao, and chiobu. hahahahaha, terence is right, ego booster man!! aki looks pretty good in the foto, but he doesnt look that good in real life leh... lol. how come? usually shd be the other way round right....
anyway, i have to go. mom gonna scream if i drag somemore. nitez! ERRRR morningz!
peace yo.
out.

etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 4:19 am
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Sunday, August 08, 2004

in mac

yoyoyo
yay conquered another mac today... using the super fast connection, skynetglobal.... fantastic connection man... YAY i love working in mac..
anyway yeah today... happy coz sat beside yile for the whole service!! haha eh it wasnt planned one lor. just that i came late so sat there and then they were like all teasing me hahahaha.<interrupt here coz lappy shut down coz no batt liao. then go dinner then come home then conitnue> and i just had to take the chance ot gross them out by saying he was yandao and all that lol. make them sick.
yeah then... he talked to me some but once again we were on different wavelength!! grrr. but well we both agree the kids were cute. actually i was happy coz this morning he sms-ed to thank me for the present... im really glad he liked it coz if not, i wld have been damn embarrassed... haha. so gals you were so wrong! he wasnt grossed out and he isnt a da nan ren aka mcp, wahahaha. too bad. yeah then after the service he thanked me again, and i was like, happy :) then he said take care, coz we were gonna separate liao. then i went about grossing the girls out more by gushing about him. their reactions always damn funny!! i love to do it haha. esp to beat and tianyu. but they refused to gimme the sweet coz they said the sweet is only for "the normal people" and not those who "like gross things". they calling him gross lor!! sob sob. hahahaha i mean, whats new. they've been at it since i could remember.

yeah then today what else... er went to mac with daniel.... copied notes and tried to start on gracom but kinda failure haha. im very tired now. yeah but so, copied a bit of notes only. dont know why i seemed to work damn slow today, or time passed very fast, and in the end i found i hadnt done as much as i had hoped to do... so yeah gracom still undone now. will finish tonight before i sleep, no matter what i do. so why am i here still blogging and wasting time??! haha.
yeah then over dinner, i blabbed on about me to daniel, poor him always gotta listen to my rubbish. but its nice to talk and be heard lah. not always fighting to be heard, but just being heard. thats why i like to go out in small groups, or just with another individual. coz u are heard when you talk and you dont have to shout. i always end up shouting or else not talking when im with a big grp. who asked me to be short, i know. suckz. and now he knows my deep dark secret hohoho. i warn you, dont tell anyone ok. no one knows hor!! its so embarrassing. and you know that thing i said about subconscious thing plus me and relationships? its just a maybe. i have no proof that it is for real, and i guess it really depends on whether i like the guy enough, or something lidat, noe? its not the full reason as to why i dont do relationships... like i said, i have no proof. yah.
well... hmm dunno what to blog liao lor. didnt go to esplandade as planned... sorry hafiz, but anyway you are clubbing now right, so its ok lah no loss. :) yeah but im somewhat glad i didnt go also. hmm. maybe another time bah.
yawnz. tired. want to sleep but cannot. gotta go gracom remember?! yah.
just now i saw a Von Dutch cap, bag and shirt that i really really feel like buying. only that i dont have no money at all to buy haha. then there was a pink halter dress from Red2 that i liked a lot but also didnt buy. guess thats the price to pay for all my auctioning.... left with no money to buy anything liao. haiz.
hmm ok going to start on gracom again. wish me luck before i kill my machine trying to do it, like the last gracom project.
peace yo, dorcas, out.

etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 11:30 pm
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purest of pain

well
there isnt really a reason for my title. just feels like it says something i wont be saying here.

finally got to give yile his bdae present today. wonder what he thinks about it. maybe he's really too macho man to like the bear i gave him. oh no. haha. heck. met him on the train today, so we walked into the choir room together and they were like, eehh.... haha. i mean they were thinking that not saying it. just now i was replaying our conversation in the train and i realize we were on different wavelengths, as usual! he said, you tie your hair i cannot recognize you. i heard dye your hair, so i said its been lidat for very long already what. then the convo sort went on a little while more abt my hair, with both of us thinking different things haha. damn we're always like so blur with each other. just now tiffany asked me to wear a J, for jireh. haha. hey dont gimme ideas, i just might lor....
today i was tired the whoe day wonder why hmm. and now here i am again at this unearthly hour, blogging. sianz. donno what to blog about.
next sunday xian chang!! grrr only knew abt it today. really must make more effort to learn the song by sat if not im gone liao... such a nice song i dont wanna screw it up on stage...
wow its so quiet.

nobody come and chat with me tonight. win already lor.
oh by the way the cool thing is i found a long lost friend from my pri school days, its really really cool and surprising, i didnt even remember her but she remembered me, which is absolutely, wow. haha. she was my friend back then, i remember so, but i always have a hazy memory, well, something was not quite right with her, if im not wrong, people didnt like her much, i cant remember why, maybe she was kinda bossy or smarty-pants or something know? or bitchy? i really forgot. but now she shd be alright. and the darndest thing EVER is that she's the wendy that guang yang told me he likes, and i didnt even know i knew her! and she found me thru him. AND also me and wendy both know simon hahaha. she's in bit. she just told me that guang yang actually went up and introduced himself and asked for her number sia. he's got weird taste man. but then, im still quite glad its her. at least i know her. and i can like... talk to her abt him... its just cool. we hope to meet up when there's time, maybe in canteen 1 or something. hope can lor. hope to meet jie ying too!! another old fren, used to be from my clique. there were i think 4 of us? me jie ying yit shan and lixian. no wendy wasnt part of it. oh and there was shirleen/shirlyn. i forget the actually spelling. or is it shireen? hmmmmm. oh just to clear any doubts, they're not from fmps one... from somewhere else... yah.
shit dammit i think my mom just came out of her room means she saw my light on means im still awake means she's gonna kp me like hell once again, when she gets the chance to. shit lah. cant i have some privacy and peace of mind while im at it...
well. this weekend got a lot of work to do. after copying my notes i still have to do gracom project and debate research. jialat sia. think my brains will blow. when i stop aching i will go and run again.
sigh tired lah back really hurts from the way im sitting... time's up, 2 am already. going to sleep. tmr's church cannot pon. shit lah, really very tired man.
there must have been more i wanted to say if not i wouldnt have come and blogged, but i cant remember anything more. oh..... OH.. now i remember.. but not to be blogged here one... shat.
k lor nvm dont blog liao. damn tired, breaking down now. the end of this short entry.
wah damn my leg went numb coz i put my lappie on it... now change leg and this one going numb asap...

peace yo.
dorcas out.

etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 3:06 am
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Saturday, August 07, 2004

fiz birfday... sad sad sad... not him, me.

happy birthday hafiz. finally 17. feel any different?

today. tired. damn tired. sleeping in locvdp tutorial. and then wei chin sorta like dissed my group and everything, ok i know our video sucked but we really tried esp with the music thing... and then during consultation she was like quite fierce also, dunno why lah. we were just trying to be friendly, maybe she thought we were digressing or something.

then what else....
yeah after locvdp, had to kill time waiting for fiz... luckily got melvin... hey girlfren, thanks for listening to my bitching... you're quite cool in your own way lah, you understand me haha. yeah. its nice when a guy understands. and he actually feels sad for me. AAWWW thanks. but then he keep reminding me by saying things, wah... pain lor.

yeah then turned out fiz had forgotten he was supposed to meet me... so i called him.. if i didnt he prob wouldnt have come... yeah well... we talked for a brief minute then he rushed off coz i think people were waiting for him back at the bus stop where he came from... so yeah.

melvin and i left after a while, i went off he went library coz he got french today thus staying back...

yeah..

wah no mood to blog

oh but i wanna say im proud of myself coz i went and ran two rounds just now... and did some sit ups and push ups... after like how many donkey years of not doing any exercise save the weekly tennis sessions... should make this routine like every friday or wtv but i doubt i can keep to it... today's was just a spur of the moment thing, sudden enthusiasm abt it. its a long story but there was a reason why i suddenly went and ran today.

then somemore, i decided to take 154 all the way home. hey, that actually means something ok... i dont ever take 154 all the way coz the journey bloody long and gives me bad headaches...

k lah i think i go snooze, or else i shall go offline and start doing my work liao....

once again, happy birthday hafiz. peace yo. dorcas out.

etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 2:00 am
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Thursday, August 05, 2004

founder's day dinner

tonight's FOUNDER'S DAY DINNER.
thinking back on it now, maybe the actual dinner wasnt that enjoyable, but being there and with people that i didnt know i missed quite a lot, was. although our class turnout was damn little compared to other classes, it was just quite nice lor. i REALLY REALLY want to take some fotos with some people, and some more fotos with those i took with, but sadly there's no chance to. want to take some more with guohao. didnt take any with elena so i want to take with her. want to take more with jx. del. tiff. kian wee. didnt take any with gabriel. want to take with cass. su yi. anyone i know. just want to take with them i can remember them. sigh. i dont have the akapella foto. im damn pissed. but what to do. and the one foto with ben is over-exposed. grrrr!!!
haiz. but well, out of all my fotos, which are very very very few compared to that of my imagination which is too many anyway, i like the picture of terry, simply because he looks good in the foto, and i just have been trying to get a foto of him since what, 2 years ago? so to finally get it is just nice lor. then i like the one of myself, though its very small, cant see details like my necklace or whatever... a bit wasted lah. nvm. then.... those with other people one... i like the one with mark, only because i seem to look nice there, not that i know mark at all haha... and i cant remember the other ones lah. basically my hair looks damn weird in all of them. its the fringe lah. maybe i shd try and fix the fringe.
well tonight... the dinner programme... um was alright, basically nothing much, people were just taking fotos and saying hi to other people lor.. nothing lah.. hardly ate anything which is quite sad, dunno whats the waiter's prob didnt gimme noodles lor damn him. i always say thank you to him and he dont gimme noodles. then no mushroom. then the fish gimme all the broken pieces. wah lau. in the end i drank 5 glasses of coke. dammit. yeah then had some people sing on stage for us, got one grp pri 4, one grp pri 5, one grp ex sec 4 i.e. timothy leon etc. k lah. but i still felt like a lot was missing from the dinner. we didnt have much to say to each other, maybe we're just not close lor. esp jerome and joseph, i think they were kinda left out too, since their clique wasnt there, i.e shirong and terence. piak and huimin also didnt come. nick didnt. ok to name those who did, me guohao del tiff daniel joseph jerome lijia who didnt sit with us jonathan wen jia yen bing jian xiang i think thats all right. yeah. no elena no kelvin... quite quiet without them. donno leh. maybe its just me, or else, i didnt feel a connection with the rest of those in that big room. even with those of us around the same table, sometimes i couldnt think of anything to say to them, simply coz i dont even know them at all. like jerome and joseph. what could we possibly talk abt other than school, which only in name, we have in common. aaaahhh. dunno. saw other classes seem so happy and so united and i felt quite sad that we're not like that at all.

(just let me say this oop thing which you may not understand but im just frustrated abt it... WHY THE HELL AM I STILL DC-ING I THOUGHT HE FIXED THE DAMN CONNECTION TODAY ALREADY, WHATS THE REAL PROBLEM WITH THIS CONNECTION HUH?!? STILL DC-ING? ISNT IT SUPPOSED TO BE FIXED FOR GOOD? DAMN!!)

yes next. then after the dinner we went to esplanade. loved loved loved being there at that time and it was damn nice and windy. really love the place at night. lotsa couples lah but its ok i guess. just makes me kinda wish i had someone special to go there with. oh well. yeah so i really felt reluctant to leave, although we spent quite long there, but there were still many things i really wanted to talk about, like, just wanted to know whats been up with them, i really wish we could have talked more, felt kinda left out as i always do, coz a lot of things i know that i dont know. but i guess everyone was like just... maybe tired, maybe thinking about the whole going home thing... so its like... yeah. then tmr most pple have school. i dont, but i have to get up early, go out early, buy all my supplies, find the stand for fiz's present, do my media updates, do my gracom bloody projects... F i forgot about copying my notes. no copying's gonna get done tmr liao. forget it haiz. no mood or energy to think now.
yeah so we spent quite a while there but after that we had to leave liao. by then was already past 1140pm i think. squashed into del's dad's car. in the end everyone got dropped off just downstairs of their homes. many thanks for the lift again! sorry for the trouble, really.
sigh. so yeah. guess thats all lor. still missing some people, like, just feel like talking to them and sorta re-finding these people i once talked to and once knew, perhaps more than hi bye or no talk to all... you could say i miss those whom i dont know. coz they're now all strangers, if you mean personally.
k lor, gonna go and do something else. haiz. wish i could have stayed at esplanade. coming home, only see my mother's not-very-happy-face for some reason, my dad's prob really mad with me for coming home after 12, but i couldnt help it today, and yday. he shdnt blame me, its not like i went clubbing or anything.
well. ciao. au revoir. good morning.

dorcas
peace out

p.s forgot to mention that my camera fell into the prawn dish and gave me a heart attack... which reminds i have to wash the stupid case before ants come sia. haiz too lazy. and parents will then know that something happened. i cant tell them see...

etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 2:30 am
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Sunday, August 01, 2004

i should never have been born. never.

in all my 17 years, i've never felt so lousy about myself for being your daughter, than i do tonight.

dorcas

etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 12:10 am
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Saturday, July 31, 2004

on the tips of my toes

today.
how about i start with last night.
see previous entry. was damn damn damn pissed.
scolded f all the way.
questioned God and cried like i haven't done in a long long time.
in the end tired myself out to sleep, because today got medisoc and locvdp.
today.
nothing big. medisoc was interesting. i actually like this module if only it wasn't so hard to score.
everyone's gracom project looks great. mine sux in comparison. they went for laser printing and everything. cost a lot. hope kok kee dont just look at the colour nice then give them good grade then i print from home gimme lousy grade. wont right?

then ok lor. got daniel to come out and pei me, since no one else available. just didnt want to come home and face father lah. sianz of parents.

broke down and cried in the train... was talking about my grandma then i just got overwhelmed by all the sadness and anger i've been facing these few days due to all those reasons...
was not very glam i suppose, i know got people looking at me.
didn't care lah. was sad what, already start to cry, what could i do.

first time cried that much on a train. yeah. sorry daniel if it was awkward for you to be sitting beside me.
managed to stop crying and look up before reaching woodlands.
ate a late lunch at mac then walked around. tried all the rings in the shop. love love love the things there. really do.
bought a ring for min wen, sadly cant find back the one i have since she likes that one. well hope she likes this one.
went to popular, got 2 pens. yay. thanks.
sadly the purple bear i wanted from long ago is no longer there. never mind. waste money anyway.
popped into a lot of shops and checked out all the stuff. bought nothing though.

went to metro. saw a lot of clothes there i like. some pieces are really really nice.
went through the toy section. nothing too fascinating, mostly alright.
bought some studs later when we were leaving woodlands. expensive sigh. i hate to spend any more money. none to spend. i have $1 right now and that's it.
come home. find yet another stupid person sent registered mail to my house. the last thing i want is for anyone to send registered mail because my father will get it and then know i have mail.
braced myself for their return.
what a silent, awkward, unhappy, cold dinner we just had.
no one spoke, only a few sentences of small talk, i said nothing the whole dinner.
they were trying not to bring up anything, and trying to pretend things were normal.
i know they know i had more mail today.
i know they aren't happy about it.
maybe they have some agreement not to mention it. maybe they just don't want a replay of last night's ugly arguement scene.
i feel like they have an agreement.
smart move.
i've heard enough from them to last me the next week. please.
shut up.
stay out of my way.
let me be.
that's the best you can do for me right now.

hafiz is not online. i would really like to talk to him about something.
tomorrow i'm bringing yi le is present. hope he likes it.
tomorrow i have to collect fiz's present.
going to be busy tomorrow.
and i am so tired now.
i wish i wasn't going to school tomorrow.
wei chin and the editing machine. both have common goals:
1. to put me to sleep
2. to cause me more confusion
3. and stress
4. to drain whatever energy i managed to recharge myself after the lousy night's sleep.
nice, isn't it.
and my stress level for the next week is going to shoot sky high.
media updates. impromptu speech. french test. editing narrative video. starting to plan assessed project one locvdp, if there's time for my group to do so. planning of debate, my group.
dont think i'll be granted my thursday this week.

really tired now. think i need to sleep.
tomorrow wearing my new clothes. just to make myself happy.
oh yeah.

fairfield go to hell lah.
you think you very big now ah, ostracizing my class from founder's day dinner.
what do you mean no more tables, no more tickets.
where got people plan a graduation dinner and not expect more to show up.
hello, it's out grad too, and we want to see our friends too.
we may not be the smartest or best class but you don't have a right to refuse us tables.
cram 2 more in there. there is space. you're just not willing to do it.
doesnt matter. appreciate the rest.
also, maybe i'll just get my 4F to go out for something, dinner, or whatever.
thanks a lot for not helping, fairfield.
can you believe not getting to attend your own grad.
ah whatever. don't have to feel inferior to the beauties [pukez] on that night.
ahaha sorry to any beauty who is reading this. i don't mean you specifically.
that's it. i'm tired. tomorrow there's school.
goodnight.
peace yo. dorcas, out.

etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 12:31 am
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Friday, July 30, 2004

low

sometimes i hate coming home.
not just because i have to face my parents and the uncertainty of their attitudes.
but for the plain fact that i think a lot more when im alone and when im at home.
i think about everything that happened in the day, good or bad, and the bad always ends up outweighing the good by far somehow... no matter how good the day has been.
i think about the things said, the actions done.
i regret not doing what i wanted to do or could have done, i chide myself for things i could have said or wanted to, but did not.
i think about my class, and the stupid divide that's slowly surfacing. how they are starting to leave people out. and how i see myself being one of them again.

ok here comes my mom scolding me again. for auctioning things again.
can she stop it. does she want me to tell her that i have no money left now already, cant auction even if i wanted to.

i hate coming home. why do i have to come home.
why do i have to face my parents.
why do i have to think.
why does everything go so badly.

can they just leave me along. i am so sick of it. all of it.

today watched house of flying daggers. good arty show but there was no solid ending and there were some parts which were inconsistent. so yeah kind of weird. after learning locvdp, tend to look out for these things. maybe not obvious to anyone else but kind of stands out now

SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MY BANK ACCOUNT AND MY MONEY YOU WANT THE SUPPORT MONEY GO AND ASK MY DAD COME AND ASK ME FOR FUCKING WHAT USE
JUST FUCK OFF LAH MOTHER! FUCKING BITCH!!

etched upon this screen by the unpretty princess at 12:39 am
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