GGAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SIAO LIAO!!!!
BRAIN DEAD NERVES DEAD EVERYTHING DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD!!
WTF-ING HELL IS WRONG WITH ME CANT CONCENTRATE AT ALL, DONT KNOW WTF I AM TYPING FOR MY SPEECH, DONT KNOW WhenTF CAN I FINISH THIS AND I HAVE NO MORE FKING TIME!!!!


















sigh.







really sianz man. hate doing this. its like..... gets nowhere all the time. i never know what to do for speeches. i think i like gracom much more than specom. and i already hate gracom so go figure the math.


think i'll eat something, fries or whatever shit. this thing is driving me fking nuts.

dear Lord.
i am completely frustrated right now. i cannot do my speech com homework.
i really tried to write the speech. i had a good idea and although i really struggled with writing it, it was coming along nicely. i was starting to get the hang of it.
but then i read and reread the instructions and i realize this idea just wont work. i will surely be failed simply on the grounds of my speech being of the absolute wrong content.
i feel really pissed about it. i have one day left.
one day to write or prepare something to bring to class on tuesday.
i can't get out of it, i have to have something to show, because she states clearly, we'll only get as much help as we have researched. looks like i should be happu if i get any help at all.
it's not the help, it's the impression it leaves on cordelia. she writes favorism all over the place.
i'm just thinking, if nothing i do can get her to favor me a bit more than she does now, at least i dont make things worse by making her hate me and failing me completely.
and that's why i want to do her work, i need to, if i don't want to be the loser who fails specom.
but i can't. everytime i have specom homework, i try my damndest to do a good job, but i just cant make myself become that kind of salesman speaker she likes. i feel myself clamming up once im there, i dont know what im doing, i just go thru with it and finish it knowing it didnt sound good one bit and that's it i'll be getting another B to add to my collection. like i said, it's not the B, it's the impression. and it frustrates me to near death because i try as hard, or harder, than anyone else, and it never once pays off. i never do as well as i hope.
and now its this third speech. i have one bloody day left. here i am at this unearthly hour, still cant think of a new idea. looks like im not going to church tomorrow already. i am so sorry. i dont really like to skip church, especially on the day of the Lord, it should be the one day that i should, as a Christian, worship wholeheartedly. instead, i will be sleeping at home because tonight i am going to sleep so late, and then i will be rushing with all my work. seriously i hate this arrangement but the other alternative is to jump out of my window from madness and it's not a path i'd like to take...yet.
please please please give me ideas. help me do my speech. help me complete all my homework well. help me prepare for my medisoc test. help me get a grip on myself and start working hard for the next term now starting in 24 hrs time. help me make the best of every waking minute, and to get enough sleep so my brain works the next day. help me not panic so much, help me PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. i know i dont deserve any more help, i havent been good at all, i'm so sorry. i dont know why im like that, im so lousy as a person, i really hate the way i am. so slack, bitchy, lazy, untalented or else simply SLACK. but i really need Your help. pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaasse help.
im exhausted. i gotta continue staring at my blank Word document now. sigh.

really frustrated man!!! i cant finish my gracom at this rate.. there's still the mounting and everything to do for this project and its like the designing on the comp is taking FOREVEER, LITERALLY!! I AM REALLY LOSING PATIENCE DOING IT!!
grrrr. i dont know what kok kee wants, its like damn hard to meet his expectations and i dont know what is good to him, and i dont know how to conceptualise my designs. isnt he supposed to at least try and teach us HOW? instead of leaving us to produce lousy work then he fail us?? kao.

sigh. last night was NOT a fun time for me...
had some serious gastric problem and i bore with the pain for the whole night, and put up with my parents and their attitudes.....
in the end had to go down to SGH A&E. i didnt want to die.
after all the procedures, i had 2 choices (according to the doc), i could take the medicine home and suffer more, or take an injection and stay there for 2 hrs for observation (which basically means they leave u there to rot for 2 hrs)... stupid me, i chose to take the medicine home. the effect of the medicine is much slowly i guess, coz i still had to bear with more pain and even this morning there's pain. i thought it would be a miracle pain reliever or something.
this morning i meant to go to school for medisoc test.................................................
am really upset that i couldnt go...
when i woke up i went to the toilet to wash up and my limbs weren't responding to my brain signals, my whole body ached from inside outwards, like there were ropes around me. my head felt the worse, totally like a block of lead, all the discomfort just refused to clear. i was damn giddy, started to sweat cold sweat, then my stomach started with all the gastric pain again which made things so much worse. my breathing felt really choked up like i couldnt breath properly. i just threw myself back onto my bed and writhed around.... i'd wanted to go for medisoc and not only could i not go now, i felt poorly and lousy. after a while i decided to just sleep somemore, for one thing i was still tired and perhaps last night's medicine was still working and because i only slept about 5 hours, maybe it wasnt enough for it.
woke up again at about 9am... had to eat breakfast so i could eat my medicine...
to my horror i was struggling to consume one small slice of bread. i just couldnt eat. oh i realize i havent touched on the NAUSEA that comes with everything... it is the WORST ever sort of nausea... and i had to swallow against my body's will, because all i wanted to do was throw up but i couldnt.
to make the bread easier to eat, i ate in small bites and drank water after every bite to soften the thing... so i managed to finish that one slice.
then the horrible part came, medicine again....
there is this very terrible milky white liquid, Famotidine lah ok, you really have to shake it damn well before you drink because you really dont want to drink it otherwise. when you leave it there to stand, this lump of something forms at the bottom of the bottle, and it fills about 1/3 of the bottle. completely gross. yeah. so i took the tablet one and then shook real hard and poured out 20ml of that stuff. after some thought i reasoned i had better take it over a basin because somehow i knew i wasnt going to be able to take this medicine right now... the nausea was already overwhelming and the medicine doesnt exactly taste great...
forced myself to drink it, then i wanted to walk away from the basin, then my stomach just heaved and i turned back and puked out my medicine and some water and whatever. there weren't any solids like bread, but still. dammit i hate to vomit you know?
and since im quite sure all my Famotidine was puked out, i can say that none of it got into my system and therefore it means i didnt take the medicine at all. HECK i refuse to take another dose of it right now!! i think its ridiculous. they design medicine in such a way that the patient cant consume it without reacting i.e. puking out and therefore nothing goes in, then how do they expect you to get well?? dumb. really.
siiiiiiiiiighhhh. everyone will be so happy that medisoc is finally over... but not for me. i have to email suja and ask her if there's going to be a retest. if not.... well thanks. i get an A for Absent, or a Zero. hooray for me. and retests are always much harder. like i didnt study hard enough for this freaking test already. now i'll have no peace.
this week will soon be over and then it will be submission of many projects and stuff. i havent touched a single one.
they say they will be doing gracom together on wed, and on fri they will be going to sentosa for shal's birthday.... well thats nice but i'll prob be left out as usual. anyway im too sick to care. dont have energy to go and be enthu and mind so much about friends and stuff. at the most i'll do gracom myself, fail it, not submit the sab project and therefore fail my whole group....


nah. i didnt mean that.
well i cant wait for the next holiday. beginning to tire of school and all its deadlines and all its politics and everything. and im still worrying about the seminar that we ponned that day. i have this feeling we will be slapped with cip, because cordelia is the bitch in charge. i didnt know that. if i had known i would have gone but well.... its over cant do shit about it but wait for bad news.
well, thats all for my depressing entry. im going back to sleep. dorcas, out.

HIP HIP HOORAY!!!
FINALLY GOT THE DAMN THING TO WORK AT MAC.... AFTER SO MANY MACS I TRIED... AND IT COULDNT CONNECT.... yup am real glad its finally picked up the wireless.... thanks daniel. hee! :)
today did the kids worship, they were so noisy and then very inattentive.... at first i still managed to smile but after that i almost lost my smile.... though there was this cute boy who kept making snorting noises and saying he was a pig haha... i told him to sing the song, it sounds nicer than him snorting...
anyway yeah it was over then we went up for the ½ãÃÃÈÕ thing lor... then it was completely SUCKY!!! i wont elaborate lah but well..
anyway today im all in black haha and i feel quite cool.... like some really zai mysterious character or something...
anyway... yeah nothing to blog about now lah so i mayb continue later... kinda hoping to watch a movie or something but well may not have time lah... k i think i shd do my sab now... before my lappy runs out of batt as it always does when i decide to get down to doing any work... ciao

hmm..
today started with me sleeping... yeah what, i slept at about 3am? yup. then i woke up. then i was kinda forced to go for badminton with my parents... luckily it wasnt too terrible but there were some unhappy moments too. at least they sorta blew over.
anyway, hmm then we came up had breakfast blah blah i dunno what insignificant stuff i did, then lunch then i was really tired... so i slept for like, half an hour, then i had to go for choir already... i was quite reluctant to go coz really was tired but well choir wasn too bad... though the sight reading really cant do and then i screwed up the handbells part a lot lor but well lets hope i manage to do it well for the xian chang...

hmmm
today after getting the tip from gabe last night, decided to pon the whole stupid seminar... coz its like, man how could they lie to us?? abt the whole cip thing... its so unethical.. well but i hope it WAS a lie if not we'd all be in deep shit, i'd be in deeper, coz im the one who told my class no cip dont have to go... haiz.... yeah so please let it be a lie. let us not have cip... 8 hrs man..

today im sick
like. flu and cough and everything.
i think i just got cold lah.
so couldnt go out and study with melvin after locvid. had to go home.

today i was happy. for once.
met up with melvin, "true test of (his) patience" he said, coz i made him wait for more than half an hour coz i was bloody late. i still feel truly sorry for it. i am never one to be late, lest of all THAT late. so in the end we met at almost 12nn instead of 11am. SORRY!
went into city hall. we were going to the escalator and passed the estee lauder showcase... and i saw YENBING HOHO. just had to go up and say hi, poor girl she stood all the time... must be tiring..
had lunch at foodcourt. chicken rice. lalala. he brought chocolate cake for me haha. couldnt finish it at home. well its my breakfast for tmr.
went all the way to esplanade. went all the way to the library! looked for tables, none. sat at the window, then after a while got a table! grabbed it, sat down wanna start work, librarian comes and says sorry self stufy time is over cannot study! WTH no choice but to leave, find another place. after much deliberation, went all the way to suntec. coming into suntec, dano was having a sale!! SUCH a lot of nice clothes i would really like to have bought. really many things i wanted to buy, some of the shirts i would have use for in choir. but i could only afford one item, and i had been wanting that item since it came out, but couldnt buy it coz it was $36... its this pink tube... i really like it. i bought size 5, it was the last size 5, and i hoped it wasnt too small coz cannot try... then i felt real happy.