just thinking of some people and some things in the past, read a couple of old emails from people and my heart really aches... there are things i wish had happened, there are people that i miss a lot all of a sudden. the days and weeks and months go by without seeing or hearing from them, and usually i dont find myself thinking about them very much since everyone has more or less lost contact. i dont read anyone's blogs anymore, i dont even blog very often anymore, and no one reads my blog anymore save a few people, (im not saying this like, out of self pity, i mean it as a fact), my old friends, we dont hang out together anymore, maybe they do contact and hang out only that i dunno, but at least to me, me and them, we dont hang out anymore. there are a few people, i wonder really what they've become and who they are now, because i simply dont know whats happening with them and where they are now and whats going on in their lives. havent heard their voices, havent seen their faces, havent had any contact at all. some people, we parted after we left school, with me still harbouring contempt and hate and hurt, with me still unable to say out all the things they never knew i felt about them, both good and bad, and after we parted, it was even harder to say anything to them as they just sped on with their lives and out of mine... no chance to say a word. i wonder if any of them Ever think about me now, and what are they thinking, if they do.
its a very strange feeling, to miss the people you had wanted to get away from, to miss those whom you always felt hurt by. maybe its because ive always kept a hope that these people, one day all this unhappiness and bad feelings for them that i had, everything will blow over, because deep down, i still consider them as friends, i remember all the little things that we shared, each one of them. i just wish that there was some more time to change things, and there probably is, but things are not the same now and it's just so hard to make something in the future when there's a past thats still there in my mind, unresolved. what i mean is, feelings are still there, memories; both secret and public, judgements of people's character and the mindset; meaning, expecting them to act one way and get a huge bad shock when they dont...
well i dont know. i guess no matter how many times i blog this sort of entries, after a while, i will still blog another, because the feelings come back to me, and im not someone who easily forgets how i felt for someone, i dont easily forget my friends just because they're not physically in front of me. they're there somewhere in my mind and when i suddenly recall something about one of them, i remember all of them. i dont know if i'll ever see some of them again, it may get so difficult to a point that i will never see them again, and i also dont know if i should just wait and let time make me forget, or try and do something about it, because both ways i feel like they just wont work. im not sure. there are many restrictions, you wouldnt know what, because i havent said anything about them yet. i think. well, who knows?
