i dont know why, i think it was because i was feeling as if i have a crush on this guy right now, then i suddenly thought of the very shortlived so-called bgr we had (provided you even know who 'we' are and what it really was)
yeah so anyway i was just thinking about the time that has gone so long now, im sad that it didnt work out, maybe he'll never know, but i really wish things had been different, though i sure as hell cant tell how long it would have lasted if it had worked out at all, knowing the both of us, i am too used to being free and single, and he... i shall keep that to myself, but still i wished it had been something more than what it was... once in a blue moon when im feeling nostalgic, i sit on the floor and take out the old stuff that i keep, one of which is his letter and i read those big red words and i feel so sadly happy, and if it gets bad i could cry. part of me can imagine how sweet it would have been if we had both known and were willing to just make it work... there are some things that just cant be bought or replaced by anything else and one of those things is the first relationship and everything. i find it too weird to refer to him as my ex or anything, and i dont say we ever went stead, because it just doesnt count. today u accept him, today he as your official boyfriend, goes into hiding and u dont see him for the next few days and by the time u next see him and speak to him other than a hi, you guys have decided being friends is so much easier and you just wanna remain there. do you count that as your first bgr? haha i think its quite funny, as in cute... but on a more serious note, i wish i hadnt been this way
well now i can see there's no chance of us getting back together, we are only drifting further with every day that passes... i mean i know him lah, maybe even better than he knows himself. i can see when he's going to leave again, after so many years i can already spot every sign there is to tell me when he's going to go, when the new friends and everything sinks in and the novelty of it all is there and he just goes into it and in the process usually leaves behind many things which he doesn't know about and leaves behind people whom he hurt but he doesn't know... last time i actually bothered to try and make these points known to him but we only ended up in a cold war... nowadays its just taken for granted that neither of us mention things like that, we dont talk about it anymore, maybe i've just come to accept that it's gonna be this way and i cant do anything, the change has to be made by him, so yeah.
yeah but anyway i was just surprised at myself, why i suddenly thought about that incident again... i wonder if he ever thinks about it... do you? i guess i remember it because it meant something to me, it was significant in the sense that i remember it because maybe i was disappointed by it or something. and sometimes i also wish it would come up and we could really talk about it. it feels unresolved, or at least, i dont know what he's thinking. about us, i mean. i mean, you know what i mean right, like think about it and wonder if there's ever gonna be a second time and things like that... makes me wonder, i dunno about it. maybe he doesnt remember much of it, or it just doesnt mean anything right now, because i remember he said he only said what he did because he wanted to make me happy and make my birthday special. so yeah, maybe it was just all in the name of... festivity. sometimes i would just like to hear it from him, i wish we didnt have so many barriers. we have a lot, do you know? yes you. yeah we do. there are many things we dont talk about and we're supposed to be good friends. you wld say more to ur normal friends than to me, and i think vice versa. i have this feeling that its because we dont know what we mean, who we are, to each other, and therefore we dont say some things coz its just not done when you're not sure of ur partner. i donno. what do you think? i really would like to know what u think, about everything. you've never told me what you thought about us and stuff. i've been telling you for years that you're important to me and that's why i get pissed when i feel like you're going away again, you understand the arrangement there right?
k anyway this is getting tiring as im sitting in a terrible position typing, my shoulders are totally giving way so i gotta end. and go and sleep. ciao.
dorcas
130704
0008hrs