then went for tennis, i think im getting really impatient with myself and with cynthia. i dont wanna be impatient but i think she's not trying hard enough, like if the ball keeps going in all directions, someone really trying would try and change the way she hits or holds her racket or something right, but she doesnt really try. so we never can have a game, its not always her fault you know, sometimes its mine, but i do make the effort to try and return her serves, but every game of ours only lasts 2 hits, one serve and one return. if im serving, it only lasts one shot. my serve. so its like damn frustrating we keep having to go and find and pick balls to play. i see other people getting on with their games and i cant even play, though i want to. i want to learn it. and maybe she's not as strong as me under the sun, she tires out very very easily, she sometimes she wants to stop, when we havent even played 10 mins. and its like, darn i wanna play man. and we havent even played. AND she stands in the SHADE and i am standing under the blazing sun, and im running to try and return her serves, and she's in the shade and not really playing and she's like, cant go on already... wah jialat, i am so tired and HOT and i still wanna continue lor. haiz.
then its like the more i play the more pissed i get, and then today terence was getting on my nerves too, like wtf (why the f) does he keep looking at sylvia sia? does he really like her or not? what's his problem, she's attached. and albert, he likes sylvia too isnt it? or does he like wendy? why does everyone like the ones who are attached? (clarification: wendy's not attached.) its nothing personal but i dont think just because certain girls seem to look better, means they are. im not really jealous, im just pissed with the way the world runs. people just look at the chiobus and like them, and nobody else gets a chance, and your heart is worth nothing to them. its so damned unfair. what the hell, i dont know why its pissing me off so much. maybe its just that im so sick of this thing happening and happening all the time, usually i like the guy and he'll go on and like someone who doesnt even like him or whatever, and it'll be like, HELLO wtf (where the f) are your eyes, im like waiting for you but no you want somebody else who dont even like you!? thanks a lot. that sorta thing. so i really cannot stand guys saying they like those typically chio ones, coz its so boring and so routine and stupid. like for once! impress me by opening your eyes wider and seeing the REST of the bloody female population! dammit. im getting more pissed sia. i dont even know how to spell what im really trying to get at. ahhhh whatever.
so its like yeah. cynthia wasnt helping, terence wasnt helping, at one point in time they all (my girlfriends) went for water break and i sat there alone, and when they came back i just didnt feel like talking to them at all, some of them did wonder why i seemed so down, but i told no one and spoke little. then sylvia was talking to terence, and i was sitting in between them then, and i got pissed because why did i feel he was all happy then? and i picked up my racket and just walked to the other end of the court, just didnt feel like listening to people joking or talking, or feeling people get happier and knowing that only certain people can make certain people happier and it doesnt matter whether or not i try at all... understand?
but again. nothing against sylvia. they're all friends. im just saying, like an example, for a greater, more general purpose.
haix so its like yeah. then im still sad about ZZ, and now he's online but he's out and he wont reply and anyway i have nothing to say to him. i dont think he knows how i feel, but if he does, and he doesnt care, then get outta my life. i HATE guys who know and dont care. if you can dont care, then you're not worth liking. if you like me back, say so. if you dont like me, dont pretend not to know that i like you. just tell me that you dont like me and we can just stay friends. pretending to not know says so much more about how cowardly and evil you are, then if you just tried to smooth things out. imagine a girl finds out that you actually knew how she felt about you but you just didnt do anything and continued hurting her. what kind of impression of yourself are you leaving on her, and everyone else?
but aiyah i dunno what ZZ's thinking lah. whatever it is, i'll never know.
i cant even keep track of all the people i've liked. many. but i dont Love any of them. i like them, i like them a lot, but its never really love. maybe i dont allow myself to love, simply because the pple i like dont even like me back so there's no chance to love, or maybe because im already too used to knowing that im only ruining myself if i allow myself to love. liking already is enough to break my heart, what more love sia.
aiyah parents are home. im so tired.
tmr have to pia pia pia. i dont mind too much. just wanna do a good job with everything. peace yo, dorcas out.